I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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