life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
