Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
