Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
