I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
