I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
