Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
