The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
