He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
