I have demons in me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
