Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize