booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cat food counts as protein by the way
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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