if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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