he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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