it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
