A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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