Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
