sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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