I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
