Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize