so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
