Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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