the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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