she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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