rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
