I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
