ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
