Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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