can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
