she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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