I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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