Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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