If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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