literally had 100 drinks last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
