just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i've created a new STD.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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