I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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