I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
