Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
