does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
