3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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