Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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