All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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