I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
