Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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