Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
