Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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