My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
