Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
