i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
