help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
