Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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