Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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