I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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