he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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