I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
