A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
